if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
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I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Stick it to the man
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?