My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
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Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack