My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
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My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
A friend sent me this.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”