Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
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You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.