Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
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“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before