Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
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Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.