“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
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If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep