dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
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No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Hotels are back
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
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