Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
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1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Realize this:
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
April 1st is the class clown of days.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it