I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
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My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car