It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
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Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
eating my hot dog hamburger style
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.