My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
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Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
me 2 months after i graduated
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
absolute chaos
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.