When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
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If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”