[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
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Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
live, laugh, laundry.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on