Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
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I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
When your parents check you’re ok.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!