I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
You Might Also Like
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.