What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
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Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Camping tip: No.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.