Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
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Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Good boy 😂😂
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy