if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
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Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
My brain is a bad influence on me
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”