While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
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I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?