[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
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My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
My blood type is b hungry.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow