The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
You Might Also Like
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
#Caturday
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Grow up never but we old may grow we
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?