I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
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My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.