I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
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My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
I feel it
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?