I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
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I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude