Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
You Might Also Like
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?