Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
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It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass