Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
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My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I鈥檓 saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he鈥檚 37.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn鈥檛 need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She鈥檒l forget about it, but I鈥檓 still getting her one when she turns 16.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 馃檨
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody鈥檚 gonna die on my watch. It鈥檚 very expensive and I don鈥檛 want any blood on it
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
You鈥檙e going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
God: you鈥檙e a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that鈥檚 too many legs.
God: at least you don鈥檛 have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*