Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
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Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.