Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
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Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Has there ever been a more American story?
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
my retirement plan is braless
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?