[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
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I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Bartenders are just boneless bars
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.