If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
You Might Also Like
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
real
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.