Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
You Might Also Like
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw