Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
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I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
can’t believe I got front row seats
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.