I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
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An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.