Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
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I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
They’re the worst 😩
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]