Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
You Might Also Like
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond