My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
You Might Also Like
why does this building look like a guilty dog
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
I was bored.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?