Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
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Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
opening a flower shop called women in stem
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”