My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
You Might Also Like
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
This is why I hate group projects