If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
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It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.