Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
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My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.