They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
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[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
I’m confused about plants
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”