While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
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If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
why isn’t he texting back
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
[shakes fist at other fist]
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.