Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
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I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern