Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
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Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
But I really needed water water water
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree