Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
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When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.