[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
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My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Thinking about Jeff
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.