trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
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Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.