[montage of me giving-up]
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[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
I know
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse